It opens with a montage of miscellaneous ancient Egypt STUFF. This is accompanied by drum beats, where each beat changes the shot. This pretty much happens all the way through with everything from drums, to bangs, to stock fire noises, to wooshes.
Why all the wooshing? To distract you from lines like this:
'What is it about treasure that makes history so fascinating?'
What does that even mean? I have no idea, because this happens in the middle of a woosh effect for no reason, another montage, a fade up to an equally confused Nic Cage and building music to - if anything - a Disney logo that blows your eyes off with a white flash.
This all happens within about nine seconds. The tenth second? Why it's the Jerry Bruckheimer Film logo of course! Before my brain can process that though, the logo turns into some rocks and fills the screen. Hey look! Nic cage is wearing shades and jumping around, he still looks confused.
Montage of Mount Rushmore, some fire (stock sound effect goes here) and Nic Cage tells me to 'take a look at this'. At what? I think blood is coming out of my ears.
'But when a secret from the past is uncovered...' Hey that's Ed Harris, when was the last time I saw him in somethi...oh shit I missed some plot and a fade out with a sound effect.
Is that Jon Voight? What the hell is he doing lately? He needs to talk to his agent. He looks confused too. No giant robots or teenage girls so far.
'History will be rewritten' I'm assured by the trailer man - presumably in capital letters with crayon. There's an old piece of paper projected on a screen, I guess it's important, I may have missed why. 'It's the names of the Lincoln conspirators' I'm told. Oh, ok. Some images flash on screen, the Lincoln conspirators, I guess.
Ed Harris tells us that Nic Cage's great, great granddaddy planned the assassination. Jon Voight says in terror 'this can't be'. He could be taking about the implausible plot or his career, I have no idea. Time for another montage.
'NOW' says the trailer man and another montage with a new character and breaking in to something fart out across the screen. 'HIS SEARCH TO CLEAR HIS FAMILY'S NAME' Hey, it's the White House, did he just break in there? He's in the Oval Office, messing with the magic furniture's secrets. I wonder if my furniture has secrets.
'Take a look at this' I'm told. Again. Was that Helen Mirren? 'It's a cypher' says Nic Cage, 'Clever' replies someone. Helen Mirren is a cypher?
'WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE AM I? AM I UNDER ATTACK?' my mind screams, only to be drowned out by trailer man 'HAS UNCOVERED A SECRET HE NEVER EXPECTED TO FIND'. Oh what? Another secret? Is that a seal? 'There is a book.', says Harvey Keitel. Wait, he's in this? What is he?
The Library of Congress! I know this because the sign saying 'The Library of Congress' actually glowed from left to right. Oh god, I'm only half way through. I can't remember my first pet's name. Tell my family I love them.
The president has a book of secrets. Doesn't seem the most secure way of keeping secrets. Works for teenage girls, I suppose. What happened with the Lincoln stuff?
MONTAGE! JFK! THAT DESK! WATERGATE! SOME COMPUTERS! AREA 51! Are there aliens in this? Where's Will Smith? ZOOM EFFECT! A BIG RED WORD! BLACK SCREEN! What's my middle name? Do I have one?
'It contains all of our nation's secrets' says a terror-stricken Nic Cage. Are we finding it? Hiding it? Nic Cage is going to kidnap the president. He tells us this twice. He's definitely going to kidnap the president.
'From Producer Jerry Bruckheimer' the giant orange flaming text reminds me, as we go into another montage. I feel sick, Nic Cage is yelling, Harvey Keitel says a word or half a word or a sound. Director Credit - who is he? The FBI are running. Maybe I should run? Isn't that the same place as in DaVinci Code? Why did I watch that movie?
Ed Harris shoots at something. Alien? Will Smith? Police car crashes. Is that good or bad in this movie? Running through a corridor. I should have ran. We're suddenly on a rock. Rotating helicopter shot. The choir is yelling.
'Sent by the Queen'. Big Ben. Houses of Parliament. Is Helen Mirren the Queen? Are we in England now?
'You're in Danger!' I am, I just don't know what from. Some glyph. Is it dangerous? Ed Harris is burning something. Is he the bad guy now? Is he dangerous?
The Eiffel Tower! Are we in France now? Nic Cage is falling, from the Eiffel Tower? I just realised that trailer man is still talking. Someone hits something and water happens. A flare! Fade out.
Phew.
Fade in! Nic Cage sticks his hand in rock! Helen Mirren and Jon Voight are there! He screams! They scream! He laughs! They laugh! I scream! I cry!
Big orange writing yells, 'NICOLAS CAGE' and he's running. A police car crashes again? Was that the same one? Is it stuck in a loop? Is that part of the plot? Something huge tips over and someone falls. The Choir are at it again.
'NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS'. Some police cars, they don't crash! A date, I think. The credits. The Wibberleys? Didn't they write 'The Shaggy Dog' and Bad Boys II? What the hell just happened? I need a lie down.
2 comments:
I think you got it.
I can wait to see it either!
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